Spontaneity . . . .
I am told the 'secret' of a good read is knowing where to begin. Which is why it has taken me so very long to get this far, mainly because I have been unable to decide exactly at what point, in my story, to begin. I have at least decided to just take the plunge and see what manifests.
This in itself tells you two very important things about me. Firstly I like to be spontaneous, primarily because it kind of allows me 'off-the-hook' as it were - Does that mean I shirk responsibility? On one hand yes, but on the other, definitely not. spontaneity allows me 'off-the-hook’ because it is pure manifestation of the spirit, free from the stilting conformity of the 'thinking process'. The second point which is becoming even more obvious to me, is that I do find decision making very very difficult. It is hard because it is so closely related to having to say a definite yes to a thing and a definite no, to another, when very often the two things in question are both quite valid in their own right. How can any one thing be 'better than' another? The dilemma from a 'spiritual point of view' is that ultimately there is no such thing as good or bad, right or wrong. So, on what grounds, am I to base my decisions? Do I sound ungrounded!! - don't even think about it. . . . .I pride myself on being able to see all sides of the story, to be able to stand in all forms of footwear and 'feel' the situation from the wearers point of view.
As a young adult - maybe sixteen or so, I remember suddenly becoming aware of the vast number of years ahead of me - a good seventy, I was convinced - and wholeheartedly believing that in that time I would be able to experience just about EVERYTHING - seventy years seemed like forever! I wanted to experience everything because I had a longing to understand my fellow man, to perceive all the joys and sorrows and to embrace life full-on and as a final outcome, to help inspire those who were unable to find joy as easily as I did. Coming from this standpoint, I know that there are always two sides to every story.
A dear friend who witnessed my struggle to understand my 'Healing Journey' (The ‘story’ I will come to tell, as I reach deep for words to express it) suggested that I take a notebook, like a journal and write or draw pictures of my experiences there. I found this incredibly useful and quite fascinating to reread. The very first entry that I made recorded a dialogue between me & a woman I considered my Mentor who suggested that "I must learn the lesson of Discrimination”. In response, I go on to write:
'But what exactly is it? I mustn't mix up discrimination with Judgement. The idea of discrimination has always been to me like the separating off, the having to decide between two things (or more) to make one better than the other. I have often found that a very difficult thing to do - the word itself has negative connotations for me: Racial discrimination, Sexual discrimination and so on. Openness and the embracing of everything, the ability to see the positivity in everything is so much more my ‘thing’ - but it's so easy then to forget that choices have to be made - without choices and discrimination I float about legless between and without everything. Without? Well a kind of neither here nor there - Discrimination takes courage, it takes commitment. '
Dictionary: 'Detect - draw distinctions - distinguish from or between' (to choose between experiences which will benefit me and those which will not) is my simple interpretation of one of the most important lessons I am learning.
In hindsight I realise that this is the wrong word, but that it is DISCERNMENT which is needed. A subtle difference which ponts less towards judgement & more towards balance.
Discernment takes courage. I see that now - It has often been easier for me to Yield than it is to make CHOICES! . . . "to be able to choose between experiences which will benefit me and those which will not". This is a 'biggie'. taking responsibility for my life. choosing what is good for me - ME! -
GOOD FOR ME
I think I have found the 'crux' of my story - the issue of:- " This is MY life" - and "you only live once" as the saying goes. Certainly in this body and certainly with this potential - This is it - Now is the time!
If I procrastinate any more I am in danger of letting life roll on – through the veil - & on into another life & another try! Maybe this time I wont have all the ‘procrastination’ issues to face, but what will I have? What blueprint will I conjure up for a ‘follow-up’ lifetime? Surely I don’t want to go through all the same things again just to achieve what I could do right now? – who knows I may return as a sheep (my behaviour would certainly be fitting) no offence to sheep of course, I love them! It’s just their reputation of always following one another – BE DIFFERENT – BE YOURSELF! – I hear my'Self' coaxing. The thing is, we are all different. It is unavoidable. We are totally individual, it cannot be any other way – For example, Just have a look at Something - anything will do, have friends join you to look at it - notice their line of vision upon the thing you’ve chosen – each & every one is just a little different – no perspective is ever the same – our individual perceptions are unique! Because of this NATURAL UNIQUENESS we have so much to offer each other & so much to learn from each other to enrich our lives – We grow because of our experiences & more especially because of our interactions with our fellow man – These interactions and consequently our re.actions to them, permeate into our emotional bodies and thus into our physical bodies. Our interactions with each other actually go a long way towards making us who we are right now.
It is the whole of us which makes the world go round – more to the point – It is the whole of us which makes the 'world' (period/full stop) YES WE ARE THE WORLD & THE WORLD IS US. We are completely interrelated and totally interdependent. Without each other and without the world, how would we see our Selves? We are all sparkling mirrors for each other – We do need to wake up to this and keep our lines of communication clear, truthful and free, or the reflection will be confusing and only add to more doubt and chaos.
Although I am waffling, I am slowly getting to the point. The wonderful realisation that our “STORIES” are truly special and though only a part of the great jig-saw of life, mine & your story is an incredibly important part, because without your part, your story, the jig-saw cannot be completed – absolute wholeness is not and cannot be achieved – the drama of life, the role you play has a purpose – maybe it is not at all apparent when viewed in isolation, but everything has a knock-on effect – even the tiniest thought (if there is such a thing!) has its impact somewhere in the ethers! The same as ‘The Butterfly’ effect – You remember, the idea that the flapping of a butterflies wings can affect the air movement half way across the globe and become a part of the weather formation there. Similarly our ‘lifetimes’ are not spent in isolation - they all have meaning and if we care to really look at the patterns in our lives and the little scenarios which go on, a picture will soon emerge and that picture is a silhouette of us.
I say a silhouette because of course our life stories are not WHO WE REALLY ARE, what is inside, that part which is doing all the perceiving, the observer of the play of life, The Awareness of this, is who we REALLY are, and that part is The Creator too.
Each and everyone of us are Creators, little sparks of the oneness of all creation from which we are a reflection, a mirror image. The silhouette is the picture which is seen outside - the role we play. This “role”, this part we play has too often been bracketed as “the ego” something which needs to be controlled to be altered, to be changed, not good enough, there to be made better! No! The parts we play are not our Egos (as in the negative) the parts we play are a GIFT - The role we have chosen to express our joys as well as our woes! A gift of life from the creator in order to enjoy this existence.
If we all played our roles as if they were chosen, by our'Selves', as the best parts, the ones we always wanted, the drama of life would probably be played out perfectly. Imagine! The ‘divine plan’ or ‘cosmic lila’ would flow along just as it should – No doubt. No confusion. No dissatisfaction. Perfection really and heaven would return to earth! Just see how simple it all could be! All we need to do is accept our 'Selves', in our wholeness as we truly are and embrace our parts in the play of life. Do what comes intuitively (as this is the link, our direct line to the creator within) and enjoy the excitement & the unfolding surprises hidden within every moment.
Acceptance . . . .
Ideals aside, if we didn’t give ourselves such a hard time – all the time – life would automatically flow along a lot smoother & from there with a little more acceptance and self-love and surrender to ‘our lot’, it would instantly become a bit (if not a lot) better. This always reminds me of my trip to India where the encountering of extreme poverty is a natural occurrence. I remember feeling an overwhelming admiration for the countenance of these people. They smiled – large open smiles – sincere loving smiles – smiles which said ‘ I need your charity, so please give me something, but if you don’t its o.k. I wont resent you because 'this is my lot' and although I suffer, ultimately I know I am taken care of. I know my role in this life is (partly) to realise that, and to appreciate its truth’. I didn’t want to be in their shoes. But I wasn’t filled with pity either – Somehow they were fulfilling a role, playing an essential part in this experience of life, (far greater than I could ever be a judge of) because surely we are all trying to get back to 'The Source'? Any which way that we can do this, to discover who we really are & what we are really made of. This is valid - whether it be extreme poverty, extreme wealth, a monastic life, a bank manager, painter. However we express ourselves is O.K. because that is all it is – This life is merely an EXPRESSION of who we are – not actually who we really are. Our individual expression is what makes life so desirable, so challenging, and such a priceless and perfect –(yes just as you are) gift. Given so as to be appreciated.
Destiny . . .
The appreciation of life is what makes it all worthwhile. The feeling of appreciation automatically spills over and it is imperative to share & that is what I would like to do. I would like to share with you a healing journey, which I took part in, with others, but which was a very individual journey, a journey specifically mine, my perception, my interpretation, one which was unique. I have been struggling with the doubt that anyone would be remotely interested in my story at all. I am going to tell it all the same because everything is interrelated & If I don’t tell this story I am in danger of withholding a part of the jigsaw which will slow up the final completion of the whole picture. I am going to trust that my story is as valid as anyone’s, take the plunge & dive straight in!
The not knowing where to begin has been a difficult one for me, because ‘The Story’ seems to warrant some kind of background information about me and my life so far, just in order to put my ‘experiences’ into some kind of perspective. You need to know what paths I’ve travelled, what conclusions I’ve come to, what has shaped my life thus far, in order to enable me to come to the ideas I do come to – However I don’t want to spend the whole time talking about ‘my life’ so much as the journey itself. There are a few striking patterns which run through, which have shaped me – these patterns have been carving their way silently, insidiously and for the most part undetected for a long time, they even go back into my ancestry. I love to see patterns, connections, synchronisations weaving their way – the more I witness them, the more I have to question ‘who is really in control here!’ because for most of the time its not obvious at all – we think we are, or God is, or something OUT THERE somewhere is ‘doing’ it all TO us. None of this is true and its so exciting and magical when this feeling of absolute ‘knowing’ envelops me – it feels like the changing of seasons. I don’t know if you feel anything deep down when the air suddenly changes and there’s a mysterious feeling of newness, freshness a new opportunity somehow. It’s very subtle and deep and wholly natural. The ‘knowing’ is beyond any doubt whatsoever – and a great feeling of confidence ensues and it is capable of changing everything, colouring everything with a magical strength, a thrust which is not explainable but when this happens I know I’m on the right path, destiny is truly at work and all is as it should be. It is the wholeness and openness of the Present Moment, the control is not OUT there but most definitely and wholly WITHIN. Within our own perceptions, within our own belief systems, within our own thoughts.
True Love is breaking out . . . .
I grew up in the 50’s and 60’s – a time when things were really changing - so fast and quite overwhelming for some. Rebellion seemed high on the agenda, standing up for rights, breaking new ground. As kids we were experimenting.
My late teenage years were full of sixties “sex, drugs and rock & roll”. I was one of many, breaking away from some pretty horrendous conditioning and the key words and phrases which embedded themselves in my consciousness were – ‘Detachment’ – ‘Know thy self’ – ‘Love & Peace’ and ‘Life is an illusion’ and the desire for ‘community’. Yes I was a ‘Hippie’ (though I have to say one standing on the edge doing the observing!) ‘Flower Power’ and all that. It was a time of hope, of change, of togetherness.
Spirituality was taking a major new turn and there were lots and lots of ‘seekers’ – seekers of the “truth” – seekers of a new paradigm. One where love was brought out of the sexual closet – where love was more than an idea – love was becoming an experience. In fact “LOVE WAS”.
In talking about it, the clearer it became that it was impossible to ‘talk about’. Its essence being way beyond suitable words, but an EXPERIENCE and one we, as young people, knew everyone deserved to enjoy! Perhaps for us growing up in the fifties & sixties it was more pertinent as many of us grew up in a very suppressive society, where children were to be “seen & not heard” & the notion of love or touch or any kind of intimacy was somehow withheld. I’m sure now, that this is probably not so true for most teenagers, but the ‘breaking out’ (on all levels) is a therapeutic ‘symptom’ of growing up, just a natural need to break away, to challenge the ‘norm’ and all the things we have been ‘told’ are true – Now we want to ‘experience’ them and come to our own conclusions. This ‘breaking away’ is another way of peeling away the layers of the onion – a cleansing – a rediscovery of who we really are & what we are made of beneath it all – Who are we? How do we feel?. All the layers of conditioning taken on board and often suffered up to this point is now in question & as we challenge them and the layers disappear, our clarity returns, the memory of who and what we are begins to surface – ideally!
This is a very healing time (though often quite painful), we are ‘breaking out’ on all levels – a transformation is occurring, we are getting a glimpse of the butterfly we could become – there is excitement, new hope, freshness, transition, independence. We get a glimpse of how it really feels to be alive and absolutely free!
Now almost half a century later all the ‘suppressed’ voices of the ‘baby boomer’s generation are seriously hatching out! We are here and we have something to say! (one hell of a lot of layers have had to go! And see how long it can take is Scary) The lightness is quite incredible though – exquisite in fact. My tale is about this ‘process’ of becoming – of diving in, recognising the layers but also recognising that everything is ENERGY and energy moves and if we know how, it can be moved very easily, right here, right now in this very moment – we can begin to create in a conscious way, not blindfolded as before but with our own intention and coming from the source deep within and which is also reflected without.
“We have to live , we have to die, the rest we make up!”
Life is the Expression of SELF . . . .
Our life is the EXPRESSION - To express is to breathe out & communicate. Out of this meeting of Source, carried within the breath to each & every one of us, we have BIRTH and then we have DEATH and in-between is the wonderful experience of BR-EATH which is life itself. How lovely that our vocabulary even reflects this. The more I use words the more I begin to realise their ability to say so much more than expected. Its weird how the only ‘tool’ for communication, clarification, and differentiation is the same ‘tool’ with which so much misunderstanding can arise and so easily cause confusion – How language is so open to misinterpretation depending upon our perception at the time. – which is why it is fundamentally impossible, to put into words, that which the words themselves arise from – By its very nature it cannot be squeezed into any one thing as it ‘IS’ everything and so by this very same token cannot have ‘preference’. The source is non-judgemental, totally neutral, and obviously invisible – but it can be EXPERIENCED.
With a deep need to ‘express’ I have always kept a journal, an in-depth conversation with myself, a logging of ideas, emotions, angers, griefs, spiritual realisations and poems to my creator – love poems! On re-reading, it is only the last two items which don’t make me totally cringe. All the emotional stuff! What a waste of time and it just goes on and on running round in circles. It’s crazy really what we get stuck in without even noticing it – and I know I’m not alone in this - the usual tortuous human emotions that we wallow in. I could use ‘I’, as ‘I wallow in’ but I have to say that I do not wallow in them any more, I’ve read my emotional stories and they are all totally irrelevant compared to what is really happening.
“So what is really happening?” you may ask! Well in a nutshell, I have come to realise that my beliefs govern the outcome of any situation – totally! WHAT YOU BELIEVE IS TRUE. There can be no doubt about this. I remember when I had this simple, yet profound realisation - The radio was playing and a hit single called 'Believe'…. Was ringing out at the same time & I thought ‘how amazing, unwittingly a pop band are instilling seeds for a new paradigm! – I also remember an interview with the Beatles, years ago now, but I was amazed that they said they were unaware of how their lyrics contained so much simple yet deep insights about the nature of love and life. The emphasis is totally upon ‘YOU’ – what YOU believe is totally true for YOU. However most of us are so insecure in our ‘beliefs’ that we find it necessary to have strong backup from everyone else – we need others to join our gang. We need to know we are totally understood. Trouble is, it is actually impossible to ‘totally’ understand anyone else – we can certainly set ourselves up to empathise, sympathise, nod our heads in agreement, weep when an incident triggers memories of our own traumas, hurt feelings, griefs. But it is only a memory – now in this present moment, actually our memories are mere illusions, no more ‘real’ than a dream. The only experience which can truly unite us is within ‘The Stillness’. Within the ‘Experience’ of the present moment. Within the experience which cannot be described, that ‘experience’ which is way beyond words and the intellect. It’s an experience of ‘Is-ness’ – one of infinite possibility, one which contains absolutely everything else. Words have tried to describe it, but have failed miserably, art has tried to capture its beauty, but has been brutally analysed - only the ‘experience’ reflected from the picture or art-form can capture its essence.
Yet we struggle on, trying to express it . Wow what a fantastic purpose! –
To attempt to express all the beauty we encounter every moment, when we choose to see it - to attempt to express in a million ways the love we feel deep in our hearts for this extraordinary Universe, our planet; mother earth and everything about us.
So where’s the ‘rub’? It always seems to lie within the delusion that we are alone and separate and the desire, therefore, to connect. The problem arrises when we need to have others join our ‘gang’. More specifically, Religion is a form of Gang. With perfectly innocent beginnings and very understandable roots, religion is born out of the need to share with others an ‘experience’ – mostly an experience of love or a way to awaken – but if we don’t think or feel the same way as our neighbour, then we are open to countless levels of abuse, right down to murder in the name of love. How can we get so utterly confused?
Listening to our Hearts . . .
How can the truth become so hidden? How can we feel so alone and defensive? Why has the circle become so vicious? We need to question our beliefs, we need to dismantle the layers of conditioning that we all take as a part of reality, we need to question who we really are. We need to seriously ‘Feel’ what is in our hearts, we need to reconnect with the heart, to listen to it. Only the heart bears the real truth – your truth. My truth. Our truth. The heart is ‘talking’ all the time, but this ‘talking’ is way beyond words – the communication comes to us in all kinds of ways. Intuitive feelings, synchronicity, ideas & symbols offered to us by our worlds as we pass through each day.
I have found throughout my life answers to questions which I have had presented in the simplest yet most extraordinary ways, if I am able to open my heart and mind to the possibility that all of life is consciousness flowing through everything we perceive and like magic it can, and will transform itself, just for me, to answer a question. But I have to be alert, I have to be open, awake to receiving the answer. I have found the answers have come either simply and almost instantly via a song on the radio, or a poster flashing by in the car with words which I needed to see, or in more subtle ways, in life's symbols which are played out and reflected like a mirror so I can see myself.
Complex scenarios, often painful ones, which I haven't been able to identify with, I have filed away as being ‘someone else’s issues, not realising that everything I perceive is of my own creation, that everything is a message, a stepping stone into the next moment. Not accepting its message as being for me. My denial, my attempt to blame others has caused my heart to take even more drastic measures, to wake me up to myself, to have me take responsibility for my world. I give thanks to my ‘creator’ when I do suddenly make connections and wake up to the truth, but in reality I am saying thank you to my ‘larger self’ that part of myself which is in communion with the super-conscious (not that I profess to understand all the different levels, but I do know that at some point this ‘consciousness stuff’ connects with you) and that ultimately we are one. I say thank-you to you, therefore, for your story, for your life, which in being played out has enabled me to see myself and thus enable me continue to paint the picture of ‘my world,’ to attempt to capture this love of life and everything in it and in turn perhaps be a small part in helping to create the big movie, the mirror, in response to someone else’s need for them to perceive the answer to their hearts questions!
The interconnectedness of life is quite extraordinary and at times overwhelming and mind boggling – but that’s the point –
to boggle the mind, to put it off balance, to dislodge it, so we can get a glimpse of its conditioning, its control, its terrorism.
It doesn’t know any better of course, so compassion is justified, after all, emotions create chemicals in the body which in turn trigger reactions and in turn affects the very roots of our physical being and DNA. But the bottom line is that we are all ENERGY and nothing is set in stone and actually nothing is impossible – If we believe it – Belief has created the world as it is now, so it is perfectly possible to ‘change our minds’ re programme the computer and change it all. Certainly if we start with ourselves, begin to know ourselves, see our conditioning or programming at work, take it from a distance, identify with our largerer selves and clearly see where we are going wrong, see what thoughts arise to create which emotions? We can slowly yet surely reshape or erase the negative patterns and reinstall a new reality for ourselves, one which will benefit our true hearts (which is “one” in essence) thus we can be confident that in coming from the heart we are in turn serving the interests of the whole of humanity.
Knowing ourselves is the key. knowing what it is, about our perception, our belief systems, our automatic reactions to things, which creates our reality in all its many disguises.
Asking for help . . . .
Life is such an adventure, when experienced in this way, like an intriguing mystery, looking out for all the answers, listening openly to all the clues which are often tucked away deep within our own consciousnesses but projected out into the world and hidden within our stories (like ‘Where’s Wally’? – so obvious when you find him!) but so easy to overlook, especially if we don’t really know what it is we are looking for. When we are unsure, it is best to simply ask!
Ask what ever seems appropriate, ask for help, I ask ‘the universe’ – but equally the angels can be asked or, your heart directly, or your Higher consciousness or any religious icon you may be affiliated to - the point is it doesn’t really matter what or who you ask because it is in the act of asking, the intention that sets it all in motion – The asking puts your system into gear, in a stance to receive, the antennae come out and of course “Where there’s a will, there’s a way” and its true! - If you believe such a thing and of course the choice is yours!
So I just ‘kicked off’ and look what happened! Lots of my life theories just came tumbling out – this is what happens if I surrender, let go, have trust – so watch out – anything can happen now!
Seeing is Believing . . . Feeling is Knowing
The Aeon of Christ consciousness, the past 2,000 years led by ‘belief’ is now no longer enough – Its progression through Pisces of the zodiac has now come to an end – It is now the dawn of Aquarius: the Golden Age.
In astrology a keynote for Pisces is “I BELIEVE, therefore I am”
This same keynote for Aquarius is “ I KNOW, therefore I am”. We are moving into the Aeon ruled by Aquarius, it is time to move from belief into knowing,
into direct Experience.
To Know something from the inside, it must be experienced, this is not something which anyone can just tell you about, this truth needs to be felt.
The truth which we are beginning to realise is that “life is but a DREAM”,
But as a collective we still merrily merrily just float around embracing our stories still believing that we have no direct control over anything which happens to us, still blaming circumstance, still slaves to our thoughts, our patterns, our well worn grooves, which are so “normal” they are completely invisible to us. These bubbles of familiarity, these private little universes we live in seem harmless enough but harbour an enormous amount of separateness & armour with which to defend against challenge or change, which is simply setting us up for pain & suffering.
Isn't it about time we woke up from the dream & embraced each & every one of the characters there, as being a fundamental & essential part of us. Each and every one of us - unique to look at, unique in all manner of physical expression, yet connected & sustained by the same fabric of existance, the same 'source' of nourishment. Lets finally rejoice in this! Join hands, link arms & dance to this great rhythm of life - together - as one glorious movement - an expression of Love!
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My Story . . .
I had been shut away in a girls boarding school for 6 years. I made my début into the freedom of ‘normal’ society at sixteen when I’d had enough – when I’d learnt all I needed to learn there – and believe me I did learn a lot – not academic necessarily, though academia was even less on the agenda when I broke out! But I learnt a great deal about myself – to be self-reliant because really there was no one else to rely on at all. I was alone. Just “Me”, “Myself” & “I”.
This I have come to realise is a part of who I am, one of the threads, patterns which has woven its way through my life – I have made friends with the feeling of aloneness and I realise that I am not alone in my aloneness.
Prior to ‘being sent away’ I had a pretty idyllic childhood really.. . . . . . . . ..
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (to be continued!)
I am told the 'secret' of a good read is knowing where to begin. Which is why it has taken me so very long to get this far, mainly because I have been unable to decide exactly at what point, in my story, to begin. I have at least decided to just take the plunge and see what manifests.
This in itself tells you two very important things about me. Firstly I like to be spontaneous, primarily because it kind of allows me 'off-the-hook' as it were - Does that mean I shirk responsibility? On one hand yes, but on the other, definitely not. spontaneity allows me 'off-the-hook’ because it is pure manifestation of the spirit, free from the stilting conformity of the 'thinking process'. The second point which is becoming even more obvious to me, is that I do find decision making very very difficult. It is hard because it is so closely related to having to say a definite yes to a thing and a definite no, to another, when very often the two things in question are both quite valid in their own right. How can any one thing be 'better than' another? The dilemma from a 'spiritual point of view' is that ultimately there is no such thing as good or bad, right or wrong. So, on what grounds, am I to base my decisions? Do I sound ungrounded!! - don't even think about it. . . . .I pride myself on being able to see all sides of the story, to be able to stand in all forms of footwear and 'feel' the situation from the wearers point of view.
As a young adult - maybe sixteen or so, I remember suddenly becoming aware of the vast number of years ahead of me - a good seventy, I was convinced - and wholeheartedly believing that in that time I would be able to experience just about EVERYTHING - seventy years seemed like forever! I wanted to experience everything because I had a longing to understand my fellow man, to perceive all the joys and sorrows and to embrace life full-on and as a final outcome, to help inspire those who were unable to find joy as easily as I did. Coming from this standpoint, I know that there are always two sides to every story.
A dear friend who witnessed my struggle to understand my 'Healing Journey' (The ‘story’ I will come to tell, as I reach deep for words to express it) suggested that I take a notebook, like a journal and write or draw pictures of my experiences there. I found this incredibly useful and quite fascinating to reread. The very first entry that I made recorded a dialogue between me & a woman I considered my Mentor who suggested that "I must learn the lesson of Discrimination”. In response, I go on to write:
'But what exactly is it? I mustn't mix up discrimination with Judgement. The idea of discrimination has always been to me like the separating off, the having to decide between two things (or more) to make one better than the other. I have often found that a very difficult thing to do - the word itself has negative connotations for me: Racial discrimination, Sexual discrimination and so on. Openness and the embracing of everything, the ability to see the positivity in everything is so much more my ‘thing’ - but it's so easy then to forget that choices have to be made - without choices and discrimination I float about legless between and without everything. Without? Well a kind of neither here nor there - Discrimination takes courage, it takes commitment. '
Dictionary: 'Detect - draw distinctions - distinguish from or between' (to choose between experiences which will benefit me and those which will not) is my simple interpretation of one of the most important lessons I am learning.
In hindsight I realise that this is the wrong word, but that it is DISCERNMENT which is needed. A subtle difference which ponts less towards judgement & more towards balance.
Discernment takes courage. I see that now - It has often been easier for me to Yield than it is to make CHOICES! . . . "to be able to choose between experiences which will benefit me and those which will not". This is a 'biggie'. taking responsibility for my life. choosing what is good for me - ME! -
GOOD FOR ME
I think I have found the 'crux' of my story - the issue of:- " This is MY life" - and "you only live once" as the saying goes. Certainly in this body and certainly with this potential - This is it - Now is the time!
If I procrastinate any more I am in danger of letting life roll on – through the veil - & on into another life & another try! Maybe this time I wont have all the ‘procrastination’ issues to face, but what will I have? What blueprint will I conjure up for a ‘follow-up’ lifetime? Surely I don’t want to go through all the same things again just to achieve what I could do right now? – who knows I may return as a sheep (my behaviour would certainly be fitting) no offence to sheep of course, I love them! It’s just their reputation of always following one another – BE DIFFERENT – BE YOURSELF! – I hear my'Self' coaxing. The thing is, we are all different. It is unavoidable. We are totally individual, it cannot be any other way – For example, Just have a look at Something - anything will do, have friends join you to look at it - notice their line of vision upon the thing you’ve chosen – each & every one is just a little different – no perspective is ever the same – our individual perceptions are unique! Because of this NATURAL UNIQUENESS we have so much to offer each other & so much to learn from each other to enrich our lives – We grow because of our experiences & more especially because of our interactions with our fellow man – These interactions and consequently our re.actions to them, permeate into our emotional bodies and thus into our physical bodies. Our interactions with each other actually go a long way towards making us who we are right now.
It is the whole of us which makes the world go round – more to the point – It is the whole of us which makes the 'world' (period/full stop) YES WE ARE THE WORLD & THE WORLD IS US. We are completely interrelated and totally interdependent. Without each other and without the world, how would we see our Selves? We are all sparkling mirrors for each other – We do need to wake up to this and keep our lines of communication clear, truthful and free, or the reflection will be confusing and only add to more doubt and chaos.
Although I am waffling, I am slowly getting to the point. The wonderful realisation that our “STORIES” are truly special and though only a part of the great jig-saw of life, mine & your story is an incredibly important part, because without your part, your story, the jig-saw cannot be completed – absolute wholeness is not and cannot be achieved – the drama of life, the role you play has a purpose – maybe it is not at all apparent when viewed in isolation, but everything has a knock-on effect – even the tiniest thought (if there is such a thing!) has its impact somewhere in the ethers! The same as ‘The Butterfly’ effect – You remember, the idea that the flapping of a butterflies wings can affect the air movement half way across the globe and become a part of the weather formation there. Similarly our ‘lifetimes’ are not spent in isolation - they all have meaning and if we care to really look at the patterns in our lives and the little scenarios which go on, a picture will soon emerge and that picture is a silhouette of us.
I say a silhouette because of course our life stories are not WHO WE REALLY ARE, what is inside, that part which is doing all the perceiving, the observer of the play of life, The Awareness of this, is who we REALLY are, and that part is The Creator too.
Each and everyone of us are Creators, little sparks of the oneness of all creation from which we are a reflection, a mirror image. The silhouette is the picture which is seen outside - the role we play. This “role”, this part we play has too often been bracketed as “the ego” something which needs to be controlled to be altered, to be changed, not good enough, there to be made better! No! The parts we play are not our Egos (as in the negative) the parts we play are a GIFT - The role we have chosen to express our joys as well as our woes! A gift of life from the creator in order to enjoy this existence.
If we all played our roles as if they were chosen, by our'Selves', as the best parts, the ones we always wanted, the drama of life would probably be played out perfectly. Imagine! The ‘divine plan’ or ‘cosmic lila’ would flow along just as it should – No doubt. No confusion. No dissatisfaction. Perfection really and heaven would return to earth! Just see how simple it all could be! All we need to do is accept our 'Selves', in our wholeness as we truly are and embrace our parts in the play of life. Do what comes intuitively (as this is the link, our direct line to the creator within) and enjoy the excitement & the unfolding surprises hidden within every moment.
Acceptance . . . .
Ideals aside, if we didn’t give ourselves such a hard time – all the time – life would automatically flow along a lot smoother & from there with a little more acceptance and self-love and surrender to ‘our lot’, it would instantly become a bit (if not a lot) better. This always reminds me of my trip to India where the encountering of extreme poverty is a natural occurrence. I remember feeling an overwhelming admiration for the countenance of these people. They smiled – large open smiles – sincere loving smiles – smiles which said ‘ I need your charity, so please give me something, but if you don’t its o.k. I wont resent you because 'this is my lot' and although I suffer, ultimately I know I am taken care of. I know my role in this life is (partly) to realise that, and to appreciate its truth’. I didn’t want to be in their shoes. But I wasn’t filled with pity either – Somehow they were fulfilling a role, playing an essential part in this experience of life, (far greater than I could ever be a judge of) because surely we are all trying to get back to 'The Source'? Any which way that we can do this, to discover who we really are & what we are really made of. This is valid - whether it be extreme poverty, extreme wealth, a monastic life, a bank manager, painter. However we express ourselves is O.K. because that is all it is – This life is merely an EXPRESSION of who we are – not actually who we really are. Our individual expression is what makes life so desirable, so challenging, and such a priceless and perfect –(yes just as you are) gift. Given so as to be appreciated.
Destiny . . .
The appreciation of life is what makes it all worthwhile. The feeling of appreciation automatically spills over and it is imperative to share & that is what I would like to do. I would like to share with you a healing journey, which I took part in, with others, but which was a very individual journey, a journey specifically mine, my perception, my interpretation, one which was unique. I have been struggling with the doubt that anyone would be remotely interested in my story at all. I am going to tell it all the same because everything is interrelated & If I don’t tell this story I am in danger of withholding a part of the jigsaw which will slow up the final completion of the whole picture. I am going to trust that my story is as valid as anyone’s, take the plunge & dive straight in!
The not knowing where to begin has been a difficult one for me, because ‘The Story’ seems to warrant some kind of background information about me and my life so far, just in order to put my ‘experiences’ into some kind of perspective. You need to know what paths I’ve travelled, what conclusions I’ve come to, what has shaped my life thus far, in order to enable me to come to the ideas I do come to – However I don’t want to spend the whole time talking about ‘my life’ so much as the journey itself. There are a few striking patterns which run through, which have shaped me – these patterns have been carving their way silently, insidiously and for the most part undetected for a long time, they even go back into my ancestry. I love to see patterns, connections, synchronisations weaving their way – the more I witness them, the more I have to question ‘who is really in control here!’ because for most of the time its not obvious at all – we think we are, or God is, or something OUT THERE somewhere is ‘doing’ it all TO us. None of this is true and its so exciting and magical when this feeling of absolute ‘knowing’ envelops me – it feels like the changing of seasons. I don’t know if you feel anything deep down when the air suddenly changes and there’s a mysterious feeling of newness, freshness a new opportunity somehow. It’s very subtle and deep and wholly natural. The ‘knowing’ is beyond any doubt whatsoever – and a great feeling of confidence ensues and it is capable of changing everything, colouring everything with a magical strength, a thrust which is not explainable but when this happens I know I’m on the right path, destiny is truly at work and all is as it should be. It is the wholeness and openness of the Present Moment, the control is not OUT there but most definitely and wholly WITHIN. Within our own perceptions, within our own belief systems, within our own thoughts.
True Love is breaking out . . . .
I grew up in the 50’s and 60’s – a time when things were really changing - so fast and quite overwhelming for some. Rebellion seemed high on the agenda, standing up for rights, breaking new ground. As kids we were experimenting.
My late teenage years were full of sixties “sex, drugs and rock & roll”. I was one of many, breaking away from some pretty horrendous conditioning and the key words and phrases which embedded themselves in my consciousness were – ‘Detachment’ – ‘Know thy self’ – ‘Love & Peace’ and ‘Life is an illusion’ and the desire for ‘community’. Yes I was a ‘Hippie’ (though I have to say one standing on the edge doing the observing!) ‘Flower Power’ and all that. It was a time of hope, of change, of togetherness.
Spirituality was taking a major new turn and there were lots and lots of ‘seekers’ – seekers of the “truth” – seekers of a new paradigm. One where love was brought out of the sexual closet – where love was more than an idea – love was becoming an experience. In fact “LOVE WAS”.
In talking about it, the clearer it became that it was impossible to ‘talk about’. Its essence being way beyond suitable words, but an EXPERIENCE and one we, as young people, knew everyone deserved to enjoy! Perhaps for us growing up in the fifties & sixties it was more pertinent as many of us grew up in a very suppressive society, where children were to be “seen & not heard” & the notion of love or touch or any kind of intimacy was somehow withheld. I’m sure now, that this is probably not so true for most teenagers, but the ‘breaking out’ (on all levels) is a therapeutic ‘symptom’ of growing up, just a natural need to break away, to challenge the ‘norm’ and all the things we have been ‘told’ are true – Now we want to ‘experience’ them and come to our own conclusions. This ‘breaking away’ is another way of peeling away the layers of the onion – a cleansing – a rediscovery of who we really are & what we are made of beneath it all – Who are we? How do we feel?. All the layers of conditioning taken on board and often suffered up to this point is now in question & as we challenge them and the layers disappear, our clarity returns, the memory of who and what we are begins to surface – ideally!
This is a very healing time (though often quite painful), we are ‘breaking out’ on all levels – a transformation is occurring, we are getting a glimpse of the butterfly we could become – there is excitement, new hope, freshness, transition, independence. We get a glimpse of how it really feels to be alive and absolutely free!
Now almost half a century later all the ‘suppressed’ voices of the ‘baby boomer’s generation are seriously hatching out! We are here and we have something to say! (one hell of a lot of layers have had to go! And see how long it can take is Scary) The lightness is quite incredible though – exquisite in fact. My tale is about this ‘process’ of becoming – of diving in, recognising the layers but also recognising that everything is ENERGY and energy moves and if we know how, it can be moved very easily, right here, right now in this very moment – we can begin to create in a conscious way, not blindfolded as before but with our own intention and coming from the source deep within and which is also reflected without.
“We have to live , we have to die, the rest we make up!”
Life is the Expression of SELF . . . .
Our life is the EXPRESSION - To express is to breathe out & communicate. Out of this meeting of Source, carried within the breath to each & every one of us, we have BIRTH and then we have DEATH and in-between is the wonderful experience of BR-EATH which is life itself. How lovely that our vocabulary even reflects this. The more I use words the more I begin to realise their ability to say so much more than expected. Its weird how the only ‘tool’ for communication, clarification, and differentiation is the same ‘tool’ with which so much misunderstanding can arise and so easily cause confusion – How language is so open to misinterpretation depending upon our perception at the time. – which is why it is fundamentally impossible, to put into words, that which the words themselves arise from – By its very nature it cannot be squeezed into any one thing as it ‘IS’ everything and so by this very same token cannot have ‘preference’. The source is non-judgemental, totally neutral, and obviously invisible – but it can be EXPERIENCED.
With a deep need to ‘express’ I have always kept a journal, an in-depth conversation with myself, a logging of ideas, emotions, angers, griefs, spiritual realisations and poems to my creator – love poems! On re-reading, it is only the last two items which don’t make me totally cringe. All the emotional stuff! What a waste of time and it just goes on and on running round in circles. It’s crazy really what we get stuck in without even noticing it – and I know I’m not alone in this - the usual tortuous human emotions that we wallow in. I could use ‘I’, as ‘I wallow in’ but I have to say that I do not wallow in them any more, I’ve read my emotional stories and they are all totally irrelevant compared to what is really happening.
“So what is really happening?” you may ask! Well in a nutshell, I have come to realise that my beliefs govern the outcome of any situation – totally! WHAT YOU BELIEVE IS TRUE. There can be no doubt about this. I remember when I had this simple, yet profound realisation - The radio was playing and a hit single called 'Believe'…. Was ringing out at the same time & I thought ‘how amazing, unwittingly a pop band are instilling seeds for a new paradigm! – I also remember an interview with the Beatles, years ago now, but I was amazed that they said they were unaware of how their lyrics contained so much simple yet deep insights about the nature of love and life. The emphasis is totally upon ‘YOU’ – what YOU believe is totally true for YOU. However most of us are so insecure in our ‘beliefs’ that we find it necessary to have strong backup from everyone else – we need others to join our gang. We need to know we are totally understood. Trouble is, it is actually impossible to ‘totally’ understand anyone else – we can certainly set ourselves up to empathise, sympathise, nod our heads in agreement, weep when an incident triggers memories of our own traumas, hurt feelings, griefs. But it is only a memory – now in this present moment, actually our memories are mere illusions, no more ‘real’ than a dream. The only experience which can truly unite us is within ‘The Stillness’. Within the ‘Experience’ of the present moment. Within the experience which cannot be described, that ‘experience’ which is way beyond words and the intellect. It’s an experience of ‘Is-ness’ – one of infinite possibility, one which contains absolutely everything else. Words have tried to describe it, but have failed miserably, art has tried to capture its beauty, but has been brutally analysed - only the ‘experience’ reflected from the picture or art-form can capture its essence.
Yet we struggle on, trying to express it . Wow what a fantastic purpose! –
To attempt to express all the beauty we encounter every moment, when we choose to see it - to attempt to express in a million ways the love we feel deep in our hearts for this extraordinary Universe, our planet; mother earth and everything about us.
So where’s the ‘rub’? It always seems to lie within the delusion that we are alone and separate and the desire, therefore, to connect. The problem arrises when we need to have others join our ‘gang’. More specifically, Religion is a form of Gang. With perfectly innocent beginnings and very understandable roots, religion is born out of the need to share with others an ‘experience’ – mostly an experience of love or a way to awaken – but if we don’t think or feel the same way as our neighbour, then we are open to countless levels of abuse, right down to murder in the name of love. How can we get so utterly confused?
Listening to our Hearts . . .
How can the truth become so hidden? How can we feel so alone and defensive? Why has the circle become so vicious? We need to question our beliefs, we need to dismantle the layers of conditioning that we all take as a part of reality, we need to question who we really are. We need to seriously ‘Feel’ what is in our hearts, we need to reconnect with the heart, to listen to it. Only the heart bears the real truth – your truth. My truth. Our truth. The heart is ‘talking’ all the time, but this ‘talking’ is way beyond words – the communication comes to us in all kinds of ways. Intuitive feelings, synchronicity, ideas & symbols offered to us by our worlds as we pass through each day.
I have found throughout my life answers to questions which I have had presented in the simplest yet most extraordinary ways, if I am able to open my heart and mind to the possibility that all of life is consciousness flowing through everything we perceive and like magic it can, and will transform itself, just for me, to answer a question. But I have to be alert, I have to be open, awake to receiving the answer. I have found the answers have come either simply and almost instantly via a song on the radio, or a poster flashing by in the car with words which I needed to see, or in more subtle ways, in life's symbols which are played out and reflected like a mirror so I can see myself.
Complex scenarios, often painful ones, which I haven't been able to identify with, I have filed away as being ‘someone else’s issues, not realising that everything I perceive is of my own creation, that everything is a message, a stepping stone into the next moment. Not accepting its message as being for me. My denial, my attempt to blame others has caused my heart to take even more drastic measures, to wake me up to myself, to have me take responsibility for my world. I give thanks to my ‘creator’ when I do suddenly make connections and wake up to the truth, but in reality I am saying thank you to my ‘larger self’ that part of myself which is in communion with the super-conscious (not that I profess to understand all the different levels, but I do know that at some point this ‘consciousness stuff’ connects with you) and that ultimately we are one. I say thank-you to you, therefore, for your story, for your life, which in being played out has enabled me to see myself and thus enable me continue to paint the picture of ‘my world,’ to attempt to capture this love of life and everything in it and in turn perhaps be a small part in helping to create the big movie, the mirror, in response to someone else’s need for them to perceive the answer to their hearts questions!
The interconnectedness of life is quite extraordinary and at times overwhelming and mind boggling – but that’s the point –
to boggle the mind, to put it off balance, to dislodge it, so we can get a glimpse of its conditioning, its control, its terrorism.
It doesn’t know any better of course, so compassion is justified, after all, emotions create chemicals in the body which in turn trigger reactions and in turn affects the very roots of our physical being and DNA. But the bottom line is that we are all ENERGY and nothing is set in stone and actually nothing is impossible – If we believe it – Belief has created the world as it is now, so it is perfectly possible to ‘change our minds’ re programme the computer and change it all. Certainly if we start with ourselves, begin to know ourselves, see our conditioning or programming at work, take it from a distance, identify with our largerer selves and clearly see where we are going wrong, see what thoughts arise to create which emotions? We can slowly yet surely reshape or erase the negative patterns and reinstall a new reality for ourselves, one which will benefit our true hearts (which is “one” in essence) thus we can be confident that in coming from the heart we are in turn serving the interests of the whole of humanity.
Knowing ourselves is the key. knowing what it is, about our perception, our belief systems, our automatic reactions to things, which creates our reality in all its many disguises.
Asking for help . . . .
Life is such an adventure, when experienced in this way, like an intriguing mystery, looking out for all the answers, listening openly to all the clues which are often tucked away deep within our own consciousnesses but projected out into the world and hidden within our stories (like ‘Where’s Wally’? – so obvious when you find him!) but so easy to overlook, especially if we don’t really know what it is we are looking for. When we are unsure, it is best to simply ask!
Ask what ever seems appropriate, ask for help, I ask ‘the universe’ – but equally the angels can be asked or, your heart directly, or your Higher consciousness or any religious icon you may be affiliated to - the point is it doesn’t really matter what or who you ask because it is in the act of asking, the intention that sets it all in motion – The asking puts your system into gear, in a stance to receive, the antennae come out and of course “Where there’s a will, there’s a way” and its true! - If you believe such a thing and of course the choice is yours!
So I just ‘kicked off’ and look what happened! Lots of my life theories just came tumbling out – this is what happens if I surrender, let go, have trust – so watch out – anything can happen now!
Seeing is Believing . . . Feeling is Knowing
The Aeon of Christ consciousness, the past 2,000 years led by ‘belief’ is now no longer enough – Its progression through Pisces of the zodiac has now come to an end – It is now the dawn of Aquarius: the Golden Age.
In astrology a keynote for Pisces is “I BELIEVE, therefore I am”
This same keynote for Aquarius is “ I KNOW, therefore I am”. We are moving into the Aeon ruled by Aquarius, it is time to move from belief into knowing,
into direct Experience.
To Know something from the inside, it must be experienced, this is not something which anyone can just tell you about, this truth needs to be felt.
The truth which we are beginning to realise is that “life is but a DREAM”,
But as a collective we still merrily merrily just float around embracing our stories still believing that we have no direct control over anything which happens to us, still blaming circumstance, still slaves to our thoughts, our patterns, our well worn grooves, which are so “normal” they are completely invisible to us. These bubbles of familiarity, these private little universes we live in seem harmless enough but harbour an enormous amount of separateness & armour with which to defend against challenge or change, which is simply setting us up for pain & suffering.
Isn't it about time we woke up from the dream & embraced each & every one of the characters there, as being a fundamental & essential part of us. Each and every one of us - unique to look at, unique in all manner of physical expression, yet connected & sustained by the same fabric of existance, the same 'source' of nourishment. Lets finally rejoice in this! Join hands, link arms & dance to this great rhythm of life - together - as one glorious movement - an expression of Love!
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My Story . . .
I had been shut away in a girls boarding school for 6 years. I made my début into the freedom of ‘normal’ society at sixteen when I’d had enough – when I’d learnt all I needed to learn there – and believe me I did learn a lot – not academic necessarily, though academia was even less on the agenda when I broke out! But I learnt a great deal about myself – to be self-reliant because really there was no one else to rely on at all. I was alone. Just “Me”, “Myself” & “I”.
This I have come to realise is a part of who I am, one of the threads, patterns which has woven its way through my life – I have made friends with the feeling of aloneness and I realise that I am not alone in my aloneness.
Prior to ‘being sent away’ I had a pretty idyllic childhood really.. . . . . . . . ..
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (to be continued!)